Built Like a Threat, Lives Like a Marshmallow
Tank is, by any physical measure, the most imposing dog on the property — broad-shouldered, dense, and built with the general architecture of a dog who could, theoretically, move a couch. In practice, Tank has never once been observed doing anything faster than a determined shuffle, and the couch has nothing to worry about.
His fear of balloons is well documented and, according to the family, non-negotiable. A single stray birthday balloon drifting across the yard is sufficient to send all sixty-five pounds of him into a strategic retreat behind the nearest human leg. He has never explained why. He does not owe anyone an explanation.
Despite this, Tank has never so much as startled a fly, let alone harmed one, a fact the family repeats often because it undersells how true it is — he has been observed waiting patiently for a fly to finish walking across his food bowl before continuing to eat.
What Tank lacks in bravery he makes up for a hundred times over in presence. Visitors describe leaning against him as "like leaning against a very warm, very patient wall that occasionally sighs." Kids who are nervous around bigger dogs are, within minutes of meeting Tank, completely at ease, on account of how little threat he manages to project despite every physical indicator suggesting otherwise.
Known Offenses
- Retreating from a single, unoccupied balloon at a safe distance of twenty feetUnderstandable, per witnesses
- Blocking a doorway for eleven minutes out of sheer, gentle indecisionNo one had the heart to move him
- Startling himself with his own bark, twice in one afternoonFiled under "personal growth"
- Impersonating an intimidating dog on his intake photoPhoto misleading, dog is not
A Day in the Life
| 7:30 AM | Rises slowly, like a drawbridge |
| 9:00 AM | Positions himself as a leaning post for whichever visitor needs one |
| Noon | Waits out a fly on the food bowl. Wins by patience. |
| 2:00 PM | Encounters a balloon. Reassesses life choices. Retreats. |
| 4:00 PM | Returns, cautiously, once balloon threat has passed |
| 7:00 PM | Settles into a full-body sigh, occupying most of the porch |
What the Rest of the Yard Says
"He looks like he could bench-press me. He is afraid of my son's pool float."
— A visiting father
"He's my favorite to lean on during nap time. He doesn't move. He also doesn't want to."
— Isla Louise Hassenfeffer
- Has never harmed a fly. Has, on multiple occasions, waited for one to finish.
- Genuinely, sincerely afraid of balloons. This has never once been resolved.
- Considered the softest presence at the farm, physically and emotionally, despite looking like furniture-moving equipment.
More of Tank
Come Lean on Tank
He's warm, he's patient, and he will not move unless gently encouraged. Leave the balloons at home.
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