Long Live the King
Waddles did not ask to be Slobber King. He was crowned by acclamation, by which we mean one very memorable Tuesday when he produced a drool string of such length and structural integrity that it was measured, out of scientific curiosity, on a guest's shoe. The record has stood ever since. No challenger has come close.
What separates Waddles from the merely damp dogs of the world is consistency. This is not a performance he saves for special occasions. Waddles slobbers with the reliability of a Swiss watch, regardless of weather, mood, or whether food is anywhere nearby. Some dogs drool when excited. Waddles drools as a baseline state of being, occasionally interrupted by excitement.
He wears the title with genuine pride. There is a specific look Waddles gives after a particularly impressive string has formed — head slightly tilted, eyes half-lidded, an expression the family has taken to calling "royal satisfaction." He knows exactly what he has accomplished.
Despite the mess, Waddles is beloved for being the most affectionate dog on the property, willing to lean his considerable weight against any visitor who so much as glances his way. Guests are advised this is a package deal.
Known Offenses
- Establishing a farm record on a guest's brand-new shoe, without consentRecord stands, apology pending
- Leaving evidence at every scene, literally, constantlyOngoing, unavoidable
- Shaking his head near a birthday cake, resulting in minor frosting redistributionCake declared a total loss
- Refusing to acknowledge that "a lot of drool" is a fixable problemConsiders it a feature
A Day in the Life
| 7:00 AM | Wakes up already slobbering. No warmup required. |
| 9:00 AM | Greets first visitor. Establishes territory, generously. |
| Noon | Lunch. A joint operation between his mouth and gravity. |
| 2:00 PM | Leans affectionately against whichever guest is wearing the nicest pants |
| 4:00 PM | Attempts a new personal-best drool string. Self-graded. |
| 7:00 PM | Evening towel debrief with the family |
What the Rest of the Yard Says
"I came for the bulldogs. I left with a permanent damp patch on my sleeve. Worth it."
— A repeat visitor
"He's the reason we keep towels by the gate now. He's also the reason we need them."
— Duke, Old Soul
- Holds the farm's only officially measured drool record. On a shoe. It happened.
- Has never once been embarrassed about any of this.
- Considered, unofficially, the warmest hugger of the entire pack — provided you accept the terms.
More of Waddles
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